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Stranger than Fiction

Multi-millionaire, homosexual septuagenarian Charles Merrill has burned a $60,000 antique Koran given to his late wife by the King of Jordan during a United Nations peace-keeping mission.

The book burning follows Mr. Merrill’s earlier hate crime of editing the Bible with a black marker and a pair of scissors.

“The purpose of editing and burning Abrahamic Holy Books is to eliminate homophobic hate,” explained Mr. Merrill, who obviously prefers homophilic hate. “Both ancient books are terrorist manuals.”

The gay widower of Evangeline Johnson Merrill, daughter of a Johnson & Johnson founder, and cousin of a Merrill Lynch co-founder explained, “Airplanes are flown into buildings because of words, and hate crimes against gays.”

Mr. Merrill, along with his current boyfriend Kevin Boyle, is also embroiled in a battle with the IRS, refusing to file federal tax returns in protest of the government’s treatment of homosexual couples. They recently moved to Palm Springs, California, in hopes of having their tax case heard by ultraliberal Ninth U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals.

Meanwhile, the IRS is withholding 28 percent of Mr. Merrill’s enormous income–leaving him that much less to spend on his self-parodying hate crimes.